Month: July 2013

  • Well, The Journey Continues

    A Path to Walk On (or ride a bike if you have one, which I don’t)
    Flowers for Mom, sent by her dearest, oldest firiend (91 year old friend)
    Mom’s been so very emotional and loving as she sees what all we’re willing to do for her. She’s very appreciative and she’s drinking in all the love and attention. She also says some weird things, depending on what the meds do to her. I never dreamed I’d be in this situation with her and that includes cleaning up a mess that should have landed in the hospital style portapotty. I’ve seen her in a way that I haven’t seen her in since I was a child. And guess what, little old me? It wasn’t so traumatic after all, was it? We just forge ahead with a heart of determination and compassion and the ever-loving spirit of God.
    I wish I could claim that my head is spinning with all the information I’ve absorbed with this cancer experience and hospice, etc. But no. I can actually claim that my brain is fried, my neck is stiff and sore, my left ear hurts back into my head and makes me think now that maybe I have a brain tumor. Silly me. Getting overtired and paranoid. That’s not very trusting, is it?
    Tomorrow is a new day for more exhaustion and opportunities to eat too much of the wrong things, such as chips and brownies and ice cream. My reasonable side says, we’ll eat salad and tuna sandwiches on healthy, homemade oat bread, in between taking care of business with mom and an older sister who needs to be reinstated into the social security system. oy. And that’s just life with them.
    Life at our house continues and it feels different. It’ll probably never feel like it used to because of mom and her cancer. It’s interesting how someone who shares your genes and gave you life and proceeds to go into the dying process can affect your entire being and existence….no matter where you are or where you go. The connection is never broken….like a cell phone call going into your ear and it never ever stops….and you don’t even have to keep talking.
    SO many people have been very thoughtful with their words and actions to help me/us through this. When I say Thank You, those words sound so helpless, so NOT ENOUGH! I feel so little. No, wait. I feel so teeny and feeble. But then a surge of beautiful Someone, Jesus, comes through and reminds me that He is everything I need and that the Thank Yous ARE enough, because people who know me, know that I truly give thanks from every cell in my being.

  • Today Was Different

     

    It rained. A lot. Then the sun shone through as it dropped.
    Earlier, the above scene was something I enjoyed from our car ride home from the Phoenix Airport. I’m so thankful that Brianne and “her” Ryan are here now and visits with Mommom will be cherished. I wonder if Brianne will cry when it’s time to tell her good-bye. I know mom will cry…she did the other day with the grandkids she hadn’t seen in several years.
    ANYway, being at the airport was so fun. I just love that place. There are people going hither and thither and yon, hauling fancy backpacks and pulling all kinds of luggage and babies and people being pushed along in their wheelchairs by assistants who seem to be pushing them beyond the speed limit. I was glad to stop at the Starbucks to get my “go juice”. I thanked the “barista” for being so pleasant. Last time we were there, we had quite the grumpy one. If I worked at that Starbuck’s, I’d be a ray of sunshine to all who came my way.
    It’s so late now, I can hardly stand it. Tomorrow, we’ll be running errands. Ryan has a job interview, I need to do a bank errand and then Brianne and her Ryan will go with me to mom and dad’s for awhile. Oh yes, and we have to make the bread pudding. Then, I need to finish editing photos I was asked to take at the funeral of one of the now famous 19 firefighter-hotshots that were killed. I was very discreet with the photos and most of them are from outside (not cemetery). I truly believe God was putting my finger on the button at certain times. And if ever I am asked to take pictures at an event like that one, I will say No. It was just. so. hard. You can’t take pictures and cry at the same time. I can’t, anyway.
    Without the benefit of advil p.m., but with the aid of do’terra Balance oil drops, I will lay my head down onto my squishy pillow and relax. Then pray. Then sleep. I hope.

  • Where to Begin; It’s Been toooo Long

    I see that not many people are on here anymore, so I’ll write as if to myself. Which is how I should’ve written all along. Goodness, are we tired, or what? I truly am drained, but I did take today off from a long streak of days with poor mom. I can only see so much pain. Thankfully, her meds work pretty well, as long as Mar keeps up with the timing of them. We’ve made several changes that help mom. The whiteboard that says what day it is, along with a happy verse. The hospital bed that Patrick from Hospice brought yesterday. The little hospital table is convenient, too. I made bread pudding with yummy raisin bread for mom and dad to eat. Mom enjoyed a little at a time. I am SO glad she’s eating better this week. She sure scared us when she quit eating and slept all the time. That awful morphine is not the answer if you want to be coherent for the last part of your life. If it wasn’t for my siblings coming up here to help, I am pretty sure I would be a pile on the rug right now. Nervous breakdown averted. And I don’t even dare dream of a vacation. Nope. That’s for people who get to just enjoy life right now. I am not one of them. However, I am not bitter. I am resolved to just take one day, even one moment at a time and focus on NOW, which is hard when I’m in bed trying to go to sleep and all I can think about is, “I wonder if mom is hurting right now? I wonder if mom is trying to get out of that bed and walk BY HERSELF (on very weak hip and legs) to the bathroom? I wonder if mom is singing in her head right now? I wonder if mom is crying right now?” My goodness, Lord, I cannot take much more of this.  

    A heart in the clouds.

  • Teamwork to the End

    My head and heart are spinning right now. Sometimes, they don’t move at all. I look happy in the photo because my dear younger sister and youngest brother are with me. We, along with our older sister are a team. I just wish these two lived in my town. The “game” would be much easier. It really isn’t a game, though. Not when your mother is wasting away from cancer. I’m really so tired and in a daze. And I think this is just the beginning of the worst to come.
    A week and a half ago, our red-haired boy was riding in a car driven by his best friend….down hill..curvy mountain road. That call came, thankfully from our boy, assuring me that he was “fine” but that there had been an accident. He had the strength and sensibility to spare me the awful details. Those came a bit later. The car went out of control (bad tires, fast driving). They crashed into a wall, flipped and rolled 3 times, stopping on their side (driver’s) and thankfully did NOT go over the edge down into wherever they’d have gone. I still get choked up when I see the skid mark and the big gash in that wall, and when I think of that night and then several days later when I was able to hug my boy’s best buddy, who miraculously survived. 
    Three nights later, (3:15 a.m.) our dog Kilo barked hysterically. Hubby made it to the front window in time to see a young man sitting in our Xterra. I spotted another one walking away from our dead car. They both walked out of our driveway as if they owned the place. Hubby called the cops who went out looking for the hoodlums before coming to our house to look at the cars and write their report. The guys were not caught. Other people in the area were also “hit”. All the dudes got from our cars was coin. Whew. We were stupid to have not locked them. Believe me, that has changed. Before that invasion, I had never gone to sleep. After the invasion, I didn’t sleep til 7a.m. and got up at 10. Cat nap.
    This past weekend, there was a horrific fire in Yarnell and Peeple’s Valley that a storm blew out of control. Tragically, 19 firefighters died from the 20 member Granite Mountain Hotshot crew, based in our town. Yes, we knew one of them. Our oldest son knew 2 of them and our younger son knew 1. Our town has been deeply wounded.
    As time goes on, I know there will be more tragedy. It’s a sign of the times. All I can say is how thankful I am for who is in my life and that no matter what, there’s always somebody who’s on the team to support with love and generosity and compassion.