July 15, 2013
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Where to Begin; It’s Been toooo Long
I see that not many people are on here anymore, so I’ll write as if to myself. Which is how I should’ve written all along. Goodness, are we tired, or what? I truly am drained, but I did take today off from a long streak of days with poor mom. I can only see so much pain. Thankfully, her meds work pretty well, as long as Mar keeps up with the timing of them. We’ve made several changes that help mom. The whiteboard that says what day it is, along with a happy verse. The hospital bed that Patrick from Hospice brought yesterday. The little hospital table is convenient, too. I made bread pudding with yummy raisin bread for mom and dad to eat. Mom enjoyed a little at a time. I am SO glad she’s eating better this week. She sure scared us when she quit eating and slept all the time. That awful morphine is not the answer if you want to be coherent for the last part of your life. If it wasn’t for my siblings coming up here to help, I am pretty sure I would be a pile on the rug right now. Nervous breakdown averted. And I don’t even dare dream of a vacation. Nope. That’s for people who get to just enjoy life right now. I am not one of them. However, I am not bitter. I am resolved to just take one day, even one moment at a time and focus on NOW, which is hard when I’m in bed trying to go to sleep and all I can think about is, “I wonder if mom is hurting right now? I wonder if mom is trying to get out of that bed and walk BY HERSELF (on very weak hip and legs) to the bathroom? I wonder if mom is singing in her head right now? I wonder if mom is crying right now?” My goodness, Lord, I cannot take much more of this.
A heart in the clouds.
Comments (8)
Hang in. The LORD sees your faithfulness.
I have wondered about the drugs that Hospice gives at the end of life. I don’t want to hurt, but I also don’t want to have bad dreams. God knows what’s best though. You think about these things when you are 75, like me. Praying for your mom, and for you.
praying for you and your mom, Gail. We took care of our MIL and her sister for about 5 years, but MIL died in a nursing home after being there only one month, but Auntie liked assisted living. He had to hire professional care givers at home the last year of their lives. It is tough and you are right—no vacations and lots of worries. It was so tough on my wife that I sent her out of town every two weeks to visit our single daughter. It is though, but God will see you through it, I am sure.Get all the rest you can.Sometimes we just have to trust family and professional care providers. It is hard to do when it is your mom.hugsfrank
Oh, Gail — I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this with your mom! Good that your siblings are there to help. I like the changes you made — the hospital bed will make things easier for you and the other caregivers, as well as giving your mom some ability to adjust the bed. How I remember sitting up with my mother one night when she’d been trying all day to get up by herself. Hospice tends to use morphine as an answer to pain — my mother slept quietly for 36 hours straight after the first dose, which they told me was because her body was in such distress that she needed the rest! One moment at a time is good — but please remember to take care of yourself too! (((hugs)))
I appreciate your update and the reminder to pray for you. Doris
(((((((Hugs)))))
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. And I sure relate to staying up at night and asking those questions, only I don’t ask them about my mom, nor will I know the answers. It is gut wrenching and my heart sympathizes with you in where you are right now. It’s difficult, and feels so dark, but eventually the clouds will lighten, break apart and the sun will shine again. Prayers or you and your family.
I am so sorry gail… for her pain and yours. it sounds like agony to see and know and watch that kind of suffering. and with your own mom. I cannot even imagine. sweet friend…I hear your weariness. you are carrying such a heavy load for sure. praying for you all. Holy Spirit Come.much love.